My cats are horny and this is disturbing me. It's not just regular kind of horny. You know the kind. You can perve on a passing stranger, take a hot bath and feggetabaatit. This is like, full on, nudie mags won't do, desperate, hungry, savage, lip-biting, end-of-the-world type horny. At first it was just Django. He's an older male, just doing what guys like to do. But now... (a shudder passes through me) my own cat, my own unspoiled little Suki, is smelling the hormones on the wind, and wanting a piece of the action.

I'm more than a little ruffled.

She won't stop mewling in this low, come-hither voice. She keeps crouching down low with her butt in the air, inviting the whole world to do the instinct boogie. She won't shut up. She's writhing around on the floor, slutting about like some cheap teenaged floozy. I just threw a plush penguin at her and shouted, "Jesus, get a hold of yourself, girl! What happened to women's lib?!"

My cat has become a tart. My sister's cat is pouncing at every opportunity. I live in a house with two sex-craved maniacs. Oh, and a married couple.

Lily and I have locked them in opposite rooms, and will be reading to them tonight from Jane Austen and The Dummy's Guide to Baseball, respectively.