I said to Lily today... "My God... what's going to happen when we have children?"

"Your kids will be so sexually confused," she said.

"Good, then they can grow up nice and crooked, like me."

I have a pretty wide history of horny pets. It began, of course, with snails. I mean, why not?

I got two for my little frog tank (I had two aquatic frogs named Jade and Zero) and before long I had, not two snails, but twenty. After a few weeks, it became eighty. The sound of them making love, a low musical croaking like an Agogo, pulsated through my room nightly, tripled and quadrupled and then I-don't-know-whated as they multiplied and paired off. It seemed, at the time, a personal insult (as does everything in junior high), that even snails were getting action in my own bedroom and I couldn't even get the cute boy in geography to acknowledge my presence.

Then, naturally, my two frogs started going at it. They were quiet, so I didn't mind, but it was a bit eerie the way they floated there during The Deed.